Tuesday, July 8, 2008

weight isssues more in depth

I know I haven't posted since my trip to Detroit, but things have just been crazy. Lately there is something that is bugging me and I think this is the best place to talk about it.

The issue is my weight and body perception.

I'm going to start by going back to around 1998-1999 time frame. I was a senior in high school and was training in martial arts 5 to 6 days a week plus marching band and maintaing my GPA. Amidst all this activity I wasn't eating right and wasn't fat but chubby. I weighed in at around 150 lbs and wore a size 10. I was ashamed of how I looked and wore baggy clothes to cover it all up.

Fast forward to 2000-2001 time frame. I was working at Aviation challenge and space camp while going to school. When I had teams of kids I started finding it hard to eat the same cafeteria food that the kids did. So instead I started eating a diet of cereal, dried apples and granola bars. Needless to say I lost a lot of weight and got down to around 120lbs.

When I was pregnant with Alvin I got up to 160lbs which is my heaviest. Granted It was because of bieng full term pregnant, but the numbers still bothered me.

I've faced the weight battle for a while as you can tell. Right before I got pregnant I got a tattoo of a koi fish swimming upstream with lotus flowers around it. It symbolizes my struggle with this as well as other things and how I can get through anything as long as I just don't quit.

I talk about it all because it affects me to this day. When I look in the mirror all I see is the chubby kid. granted now I have a much better control over my diet but I still feel bad. I weigh in around 125 (give or take a couple of pounds) and wear around a size 5 of 6.

Some days I have trouble justifying my caloric intake. Take today for example. I got up around 3:30 this morning got to work around 4:10 then had my coffee with cream and sugar. This was the first calories I had since around 7:30pm the night before. Then around 7am I had my breakfast, a blueberry bagel with cream cheese. I tried to eat it slowly but I was so hungry that I was starting to get dizzy and nauseated. So after that around 9:30 I started getting hungry again and gave in to have a snack of baked potato chips. Then at lunch I had one serving of vegetable beef soup and another serving on baked potato chips and then 5 tootsie rolls. For dinner I had a piece of chicken and a small salad and split a half cup of chunky monkey ice cream with Alvin before I put him to bed at 7. This was all followed by 45 minutes of working out on the Wii fit.

All of what I ate today just made me feel huge. All I felt was that I was eating a ton and somehow needed to stop but when I ate it was because I was honestly hungry. I know that eating smaller meals more often is good for me but its hard some days. Its hard to have my boss tell me that all I do is eat and that I need to stop. Its hard to hear the guys I work with talk about shiny objects (hot women) and feel like that I am no where near that. I've been working out with the Wii Fit now 3 nights a week plus playing hockey 2 nights a week. I'm getting plenty of exercise and I know I need to fuel my muscles, but some days its hard to justify it all. Some days I do let my thoughts about being chubby get to me and I try and keep from eating to the point I get sick.

I'm saying this all because I have come to realize that I might need help. I'm starting to think that maybe things are getting to me again and I might want to talk to a professional dietitian or counselor. I really don't want HH2, HH5, and W to see me struggle with weight issues. Its not fair to me or them.

I'm posting all this because I need to talk about it. I need to get these things off my chest. I want for anyone who reads this to feel free to comment. Be as blunt as you like but I want people to understand who I am other than an engineer, mother, step-mother, wife and hockey player. I am real and vunerable. I've overcome so much and still have many things to accomplish.

Ok this has officially rambled on long enough. I'm going to end this now but if anyone who reads this has anything to say about this please feel free to post any and all comments.


Geoffrey said...

If your boss is telling you that, your boss sucks.

And besides, W thinks you're beautiful, and that's really all that should matter. I know that's easy to know but harder to believe.

Been concerned for you, and I'm glad that you feel like you can talk about it. :hug:

Anonymous said...

Hey "sis".....one thing, you need to tell your boss to go to hell or anybody else for that matter....it's not like you weigh a whole lot. Another, it's on every human's mind (weight) guy or girl, just some hide it better.....I think you are doing wonderful....way better than me...but now I've been told I can't loose any weight until after the kidney transplant stuff.

One thing though, is DON'T NOT EAT...your body goes into fast mode or shut-down and then when you finally do eat, your body stores everything that you eat....so small portions all day long is great, it's actually the best thing. I used to get so busy at work and stuff with Nate, that I wouldn't eat all day long, but then pig out at supper....well, obviously that was wrong and I've finally gotten alot better at eating snacks and smaller things all day long, but it's still hard, because I feel like I'm eating more, but it's taken me about a year now to get used too it and it's just something that takes practice. With you exercising as much as you do, you've got to have more calories sometimes too, to build your strength back up in your muscles and everything! Definately talk to Will about things though and let him help you and you guys have a diet plan...but he loves you and will help you and would be ill at you if he knew you were struggling without him! You are doing great though!!! Love you, Windell

Racheal said...

i know you've struggled w/ your weight in the past, but believe me...you are BEAUTIFUL!!! i know W thinks you are too. however, i do think that you need to realize that. i think that that's something you've struggled with many times before. i think you need to sit down & think about all the things that make you beautiful, things that compliment you, and all the good things that people see in you. you'll never be happy until you're happy with who you are. eating is not bad...at least not in your case. i've seen you eat...if & when you do eat. it's not that much...it's really not. while you were pregnant you should have eaten at least 500 extra calories a day, and then after you delivered you should have been eating @ least 300extra calories a day (esp. if you were breast feeding). i don't want to watch you go down the eating disorder path, i really don't. i dealt with a few people this past semester in my psych rotation that had an eating disorder and it was really sad. you have too much to live for, and a beautiful baby boy & step daughter to be there for, not to mention W. and you're right, eating several small meals a day is better than just pigging out 2 or 3 times a day. plus, you are exercising...and that puts you way ahead of @ least 3/4 of the US. V, to be honest, (we know tact isn't my best quality), it sounds like you are headed towards an eating disorder. i strongly recommend that you start keeping a "diary" or a "log" of what you eat along with the time that you ate it. if your body is telling you that you're hungry, then eat...but be smart about it. you can always eat an apple or some yogurt...something that's good for you. being hungry like that just deprives your body of calories...the energy your body needs to keep going; not to mention your blood sugar also goes down, which is one reason you were probably light-headed & dizzy. (your brain can't function without blood sugar, that's one of it's fuel sources). i am very proud that you said something about it...you're reaching out for some help and advise and that's a big step. if things don't improve, then please don't hesitate to go see a doctor or a nutritionist. i'm here if you need to talk...love you!

Anonymous said...

I, too, have struggled with my weight since a cheerleading coach my sophomore year of high school told me to "shed a few". Telling me, "you'd go hire on the throws". I was right there with you eating random non-cafeteria food at sprocket. I toped out at 140lbs. And I wasn't pregnant. Thanks to lean cuisine and no desire for food I'm getting there. Just know that you aren't alone.