February Hates us

So this month has shaped up to be bad. I had originally planned to make a long post about pumping at work but for now that will have to wait.

The first thing that most recently happened is HH5 spent her last weekend with us for who knows how long. Her money hungry mother has decided to move them to California to be with her new hubby. No one seems to think it will last too long but for the moment it is just bad. It’s taken a definite tole on W much more so than me. To say the least this past weekend was difficult for everyone involved.

Another thing came up Monday. I got an email from my mom telling me that my grandmother has about 2 weeks to live. She has refused all fluids and is clenching her mouth shut. They said that she could start wanting fluids again but it’s doubtful. Hospice says that its just part of the body shutting down. I haven’t seen her since before I was pregnant and even then she didn’t know who I was. She kept calling me Kay (her dead daughter). I’ve been told that right now she doesn’t know who anyone is. It might sound morbid but since hearing the news I am getting things squared away with work and school so incase I have to drop everything and get down to Montgomery it wont be a problem. So far everyone has been great about it. The main boss at work completely understood and my stats professor said that she would work with me to make sure I was caught up if I had to miss a class.

I also know that here soon its going to be just like my granddad’s funeral. Everyone visibly upset and yet I stand with a very solemn face not showing very much emotion. Its not that I don’t care or that I’m not hurt, I just have a hard time showing emotion in public situations. I always try and be the strong one, but when it’s just me and W, I completely break down. Also around the office and the situation I’m in its better not to show the guys that they bother you because then they just start pushing that button no matter what it is.

To add to all the pressure I am once again contemplating giving up on grad school. Never before starting my master’s was I so hard on myself about school. I made a 70 on my flight testing exam and granted its only 10% of my final grade I was mad that I studied so hard and then screwed up like that. Then on my stats exam I ended up making a 79.1. The only things I screwed up were the really simple problems with real numbers in them. Leave it to me to be able to do the complex integral stuff but yet screw up basic math.

So the phrase “when it rains it pours” has new meaning to me right now and hopefully things will start to turn around soon.