weight isssues more in depth

I know I haven't posted since my trip to Detroit, but things have just been crazy. Lately there is something that is bugging me and I think this is the best place to talk about it.

The issue is my weight and body perception.

I'm going to start by going back to around 1998-1999 time frame. I was a senior in high school and was training in martial arts 5 to 6 days a week plus marching band and maintaing my GPA. Amidst all this activity I wasn't eating right and wasn't fat but chubby. I weighed in at around 150 lbs and wore a size 10. I was ashamed of how I looked and wore baggy clothes to cover it all up.

Fast forward to 2000-2001 time frame. I was working at Aviation challenge and space camp while going to school. When I had teams of kids I started finding it hard to eat the same cafeteria food that the kids did. So instead I started eating a diet of cereal, dried apples and granola bars. Needless to say I lost a lot of weight and got down to around 120lbs.

When I was pregnant with Alvin I got up to 160lbs which is my heaviest. Granted It was because of bieng full term pregnant, but the numbers still bothered me.

I've faced the weight battle for a while as you can tell. Right before I got pregnant I got a tattoo of a koi fish swimming upstream with lotus flowers around it. It symbolizes my struggle with this as well as other things and how I can get through anything as long as I just don't quit.

I talk about it all because it affects me to this day. When I look in the mirror all I see is the chubby kid. granted now I have a much better control over my diet but I still feel bad. I weigh in around 125 (give or take a couple of pounds) and wear around a size 5 of 6.

Some days I have trouble justifying my caloric intake. Take today for example. I got up around 3:30 this morning got to work around 4:10 then had my coffee with cream and sugar. This was the first calories I had since around 7:30pm the night before. Then around 7am I had my breakfast, a blueberry bagel with cream cheese. I tried to eat it slowly but I was so hungry that I was starting to get dizzy and nauseated. So after that around 9:30 I started getting hungry again and gave in to have a snack of baked potato chips. Then at lunch I had one serving of vegetable beef soup and another serving on baked potato chips and then 5 tootsie rolls. For dinner I had a piece of chicken and a small salad and split a half cup of chunky monkey ice cream with Alvin before I put him to bed at 7. This was all followed by 45 minutes of working out on the Wii fit.

All of what I ate today just made me feel huge. All I felt was that I was eating a ton and somehow needed to stop but when I ate it was because I was honestly hungry. I know that eating smaller meals more often is good for me but its hard some days. Its hard to have my boss tell me that all I do is eat and that I need to stop. Its hard to hear the guys I work with talk about shiny objects (hot women) and feel like that I am no where near that. I've been working out with the Wii Fit now 3 nights a week plus playing hockey 2 nights a week. I'm getting plenty of exercise and I know I need to fuel my muscles, but some days its hard to justify it all. Some days I do let my thoughts about being chubby get to me and I try and keep from eating to the point I get sick.

I'm saying this all because I have come to realize that I might need help. I'm starting to think that maybe things are getting to me again and I might want to talk to a professional dietitian or counselor. I really don't want HH2, HH5, and W to see me struggle with weight issues. Its not fair to me or them.

I'm posting all this because I need to talk about it. I need to get these things off my chest. I want for anyone who reads this to feel free to comment. Be as blunt as you like but I want people to understand who I am other than an engineer, mother, step-mother, wife and hockey player. I am real and vunerable. I've overcome so much and still have many things to accomplish.

Ok this has officially rambled on long enough. I'm going to end this now but if anyone who reads this has anything to say about this please feel free to post any and all comments.