Saturday, May 24, 2008

food issues

I've never made an effort to cover up my eating problems but this weekend for some reason they reared their ugly head.

Let me back track and first say that in the past I have had issues with my weight and body in general. I've gotten past it for the most part but some days it comes back. This past weekend was one of those times. Since Alvin isn't nursing as much I know that I'm not burning as many calories and I've started scrutinizing what I eat. So much so that I bring myself to tears agonizing over what I want and being hungry but not wanting to eat and have to deal with the consequences later. I weighed myself today for the first time in a few months and weighted in at 124lb and about 27% body fat. Granted this isn't bad but I'm still not happy. This is the main reason for a long time I didn't even look at a scale. But now I sit here with the boy and W both napping and wanting something to eat. My mind tells me no because I'm too big as it is and my body is telling me yes because I'm getting dizzy. So I end up eating about a cup of cheese pasta left over from dinner last night with Parmesan cheese and I feel bad. WTF I eat and get some of the dizziness to stop and now I'm back to feeling guilty for it. Granted since playing hockey W keeps telling me that my legs have gotten smaller and I look more lean but I don't feel it. All I see is the chubby kid I used to be. I have got to get over all this for the sake of my kids because I do not want them to see me having food and diet issues and then do it themselves.

1 comment:

Patricia said...

(Don't need to post this to the blog, just commenting privately.)

Popcorn with grated Parmesan cheese and black pepper...and grape fruit.
Two snacks that used to help me out when I was in want of a few pounds less and my metabolism was still high.

Last year in late April I cut my calorie intake down to 1200-ISH. Not precise, not measuring every mouthful, just by guesstimate.

It was somewhere nearing 3000 when I finally stopped to think about it. My weight was in the 150's.

I'd gone from a size 2/4 to a 12 and pushing in the past few years - that's something approaching 40 pounds to shed, which on my bony frame looked completely wrong. And I felt like a stranger in my own body.

After the re-adjustment - and orthodontics, which forcibly eliminated some food (POPCORN, most nuts, caramel) but still allowed me to eat most of what I wanted in smaller portions...not going hungry (hungry=eat) but am down to my old weight range of 115-121 (5'6"). Now I'm trying not to lose any more because I don't think I can carry a 4 at my age...will look kinda...death-like.

My biggest change was not having seconds just because there was food left.

Currently a size 6, even though I measure an 8. Go figure.

Gotta be careful with such regulation and actual need - I do crazy housework (but the place is still a mess) and landscaping, always lifting and digging...and let's not forget that my home consists of stairs inside and out - a gripe for some but a bonus for me, in my opinion. So like I said, when I'm hungry, I eat...but then watch it burn, baby, burn!